Why is the content hidden?

If you’re comfortable reading about the details of my divorce, click here to read this post.

It’s been ten months since we agreed to divorce, six since Eric moved out, and three since it was officially finalised. And it’s still taking up a whole lot of space in my head. I can be out walking, thinking about something random, and one thought leads to another, which leads to a third, and suddenly I’m thinking about the divorce again. There are all these thoughts and feelings I have about it, and our relationship, and its failure – mostly its failure – and since I haven’t let them out, they’re still in there. I am kind of fed up with them.

For the sake of my own peace of mind, I need to get them out. Writing helps me clarify and organise my thoughts, and this blog is the place where I usually do that, so I will also be putting the divorce thoughts here. A kind of writing therapy, if you will.

That’s going to be more personal than most of my posts, and I do realise that not everyone will feel comfortable reading about that. Not that I’ll be airing any dirty laundry or exposing juicy, intimate details, but still. Maybe you’re close to Eric and don’t feel comfortable with getting my (inevitably) one-sided view of things. Or that kind of personal, emotional, fraught content might simply not be what you’re here for. So I’ll be putting those posts up in a “collapsed” format with a link that you can click if you actually want to see the details. Again, these are primarily for my own sake – as this blog as a whole has always been.

There will be around twenty posts in total, based on my current notes. (I did say I have a lot thoughts about this.)

I really don’t like cycling in the rain. If I wear rain clothes, I get all sweaty; if I don’t, I get wet and cold. I don’t like either of those. On rainy days I take the train.

Several times this season, the weather app has forecast a rainy day, and I’ve taken the train, and then there’s barely been any rain at all, and I feel vaguely cheated. A cool, cloudy day without rain is pretty perfect for cycling.

Today was going to be another one of those days. To heck with it, I thought. I don’t want to regret my choice for a fourth time. I’ll take my chances with the weather, and cycle.

Weather forecasts are impressively detailed these days. Radar maps of precipitation in particular are great. I have a fair bit of flexibility in the afternoon I could leave work at any time between, like, three and six, depending on what the radar shows. Rain for the next 30 minutes, and then dry for an hour? Great, I’ll leave in 30 minutes.

In the morning I got to the office without a single drop of rain. In the afternoon I caught what must have been the edge of a rain shower – enough rain that I covered my backpack, but also so little that I was dry by the time I got home. Didn’t even need to hang my clothes up to dry.

One time is no time, as the Swedes (and Germans) say. But this was successful enough that I’ll try again the next time the forecast is iffy.

Ingrid’s graduation party.

We were incredibly lucky with the weather. A week ago the forecast was promising 28°C and sunshine, which would have had all of us sweating and gasping for air. Now we just had a beautiful summer day, warm rather than hot, sunny but with a bit of a breeze.

I put the camera to the side for a while. A friendly soul picked it up, so now I have photos of me and Ingrid, too!

The “kids’ table” with Ingrid and some of her best friends.

There was cake – from the bakery where Ingrid works, of course.

Ingrid’s baby cousin was incredibly interested in the cakes, to the point where I felt I had to keep watch to make sure Ingrid could actually be the first one to cut a slice.

We had a quiz with 20 questions about Ingrid, and I presented the correct answers with the cake. Ingrid’s boyfriend won; I guess any other outcome would have been slightly concerning.

Another long early-summer weekend, so a hike was more or less a given.

Then the weather forecast started promising pouring rain for all of Friday – up to 5mm per six-hour forecast slot, for the entire day – and I was preparing mentally for having to cancel. Four days of just catching up with household admin would not be a bad thing at all; my to do list is overflowing.

By yesterday evening the rain had been downgraded to nearly nothing, and – forced to make a decision – I said “go”. (My brother comes here to cat-sit for Nysse when I’m out on a long hike, so I need to commit at least a day in advance.)

At this point I wasn’t even sure that I wanted this – the idea of a long weekend at home had really taken root. But I’ve never regretted going on a hike, so I’m sure it’ll be great this time as well.

Active Solution celebrated the start of summer with a day at Gröna Lund amusement park for all the employees, with families. I haven’t been there for ages and was very happy for this opportunity.

We were offered armbands for unlimited rides, or a bundle of tickets for the various competitions. I’ve always been fond of roller coasters, and absolutely chose the armband. So did both Ingrid and Adrian, of course.

We were ready to enter when the park opened. Even a bit before – the gates opened before the rides started, so we were literally on the first round of the first ride. The park was nearly empty, almost spookily so. Teenagers sleep late, of course, and the chilly, windy weather was also on our side. (I was properly layered up but was still cold most of the day. Some poor folks in their t-shirts must have been freezing.)

We went straight for the roller coasters. For the first hour or so, we could go on the most popular roller coasters with barely any queueing at all. Twister was one of our favourites – a classical roller coaster with wooden tracks.

Monster was another favourite. On a busy day, the queues to Monster are 30 to 40 minutes, according to Ingrid, who’s been coming here regularly every season. Now they were next to nothing, so we waited a few extra minutes to get front-row seats.

Three or four back-to-back roller coaster rides later, I was actually feeling a tad queasy. Am I getting too old for this? Probably not – mostly it was the abrupt braking at the end of Monster that shook up my stomach. The rides themselves were no problem. We calmed down with less challenging attractions like the “funny house” and “tunnel of love” and the “scary train”.

After lunch, the kids convinced me to try the Catapult. It’s like a free-fall ride, but goes both up and down. I was afraid it would be too much for me but said I’d try it once – and it was my favourite ride of the day. No shaking, just flying! And with wonderful views.

More roller coasters. Monster sitting at the back instead of the front (less wind, less view, more surprise, more swoosh). Häxkvasten, like Monster but tamer, which used to be my favourite. Vilda musen, which I remembered not liking, and also did not like this time, because it was all rattling side-to-side (to the point where I was afraid I’d end up with bruises from being thrown into the side of the cart) and no soaring at all.

We had planned to go on the Eclipse, a giant star flyer, way up high, but were turned away at the entrance – it was closed due to the evening’s concert. Which we had been informed about, kind of, but the info just said “closed during the concert” – not that it would close two and a half hours before the concert started. Bummer.

The old-school wave swinger was nice, but not quite same.

The park was getting crowded now, and there were actual queues. (Many visitors probably came in the afternoon for this evening’s concert with KAJ, the Melodifestivalen winner.) One last ride, we said, and went back to the Catapult.

After that we all felt we needed some sugar to boost our flagging energy levels. Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for Adrian and myself; candy floss for Ingrid.

Working on my green organza tetraptych, hoping to get it to a presentable state in the week that’s left before our embroidery club’s last meet-up of the season. It would feel nice to have it finished. (The Stockholm embroidery will be fully finished and mounted this weekend, as soon as I get my delivery of linen backing fabric.)

I like embroidery projects where I can let the design emerge as I go. I have an overall concept or idea, but no detailed design sketches. I do a bit, let that marinate, do a bit more, look at what I have and consider what more might be needed. An incremental, intuitive approach. Sometimes I don’t even have a real plan for what I’ll do with the yarn I’ve threaded my needle with. I just know that there will be something with this yarn in roughly this area. Only when I have it in my hands and start stitching does the design coalesce.

Sometimes the yarn or the fabric decides the details. When my hank of green thread ends, then that’s where the couching ends. When I want a piece of the silk fabric, if I have an existing scrap piece with roughly the right characteristics, then I take that, instead of imagining some sort of ideal and trying to find it in a larger piece – and the scrap piece can then set the tone for its surroundings.

The Monday after the kids leave for their week elsewhere, I always feel a bit empty. The Sunday evening just after they go, I’m breathing out and relaxing. But on the Monday I miss them a bit extra. It’s like a slight hangover.

When I’m alone in the house, I can feel a temptation to lower my standards. Is it really worth cooking a full meal if it’s just me eating? Setting the table and everything?

Yes. Yes it is. If my family deserves an appetizing meal nicely presented, then so do I. So what if the meal is just porridge? I wouldn’t dump the fruit on the table on a cutting board if I was serving this to Ingrid and Adrian; I can serve it in a nice bowl even if it is just for me.

(Mixed-grain porridge with orange zest, served with honey, sliced orange, chopped almonds and fresh mint.)

The lamp stopped working. Blinked off and on once, and then went permanently off. I swapped lightbulbs, extension cords, and wall outlet, so I guess the lamp itself is the problem.

I’m unused to investigating and fixing mechanical and electrical problems. Other traditionally maybe-male tasks like basic carpentry, yard work of all kinds – sure. But for some reason cars, electrical appliances, and just machinery of all kinds feels irrationally scary. I know it’s not going to blow up just because I open it up, and I know I can be careful enough to put it back together the way it was, but still. Somehow I expect to fuck it up before I’ve even started.

I did disassemble and then reassemble an electrical plug recently, to get the cable through a too-small opening. Nothing exploded. I guess the lamp is another super-small, super-safe project to ease me into this.

(It turned out to have a little black box inside, labelled “dimmer” on one side and “fuse” on the other. Probably the thing that broke, then. And look – nothing exploded this time, either.)

I’m still low-key amazed by how much better I sleep without a snoring bed partner. Since the beginning of the year, I am naturally waking up earlier and earlier without any effort. A decision, yes: when I wake up around 6 in the morning, I could decide to laze around and doze for another while, but I decide not to. But not an effort. I wake up alert and rested.

Initially I had the alarm set for 7 so I could wake Adrian for school. Then I started waking up before the alarm. Now I have it set for 6:30, just for peace of mind so there’s no risk of oversleeping, but I’m almost always up earlier than that.

I can be packed and dressed and ready to leave for work shortly after 7. And that’s after also having emptied the dishwasher, folded the laundry and watered the plants.

Or I can have a lazy morning and read the newspaper and scroll reddit and still be ready to start my day in the home office at 7.

The snore-free bedroom may not explain all of it, but it certainly does feel like my divorce has given me an extra hour and a half of time every day. That’s enough to fully compensate for the free time I “lost” by switching to working full time instead of 80%. Not bad.