I like to think about things. One of the things I’ve been thinking about is how I want to act as a parent. I’ve been trying to clarify my basic parenting principles.

Thinking about these things helps me make the right decisions. In particular, being clear about the principles is useful in situations where it’s easy get tempted to apply a quick fix in a way that I might later regret.

These principles are about the relationship between the parent and the child. They are not about how I want my child to be or behave, or what I want my child to grow up into, or how to get there – those are separate issues. These are the real fundamentals, “this is fundamentally right, that is fundamentally wrong”.

  1. As above, so below. This can be said in many ways… Be an example. If it’s not OK for them to behave in a certain way, it’s not OK for you to behave that way, either. And vice versa: If it’s not OK to treat an adult that way, it’s not OK to treat a child that way.
  2. No violence. This is a corollary to #1, but it is important enough to repeat as a separate point. It is never OK to intentionally hurt another person, no matter what good excuses you have.
  3. Don’t reduce the baby to an object. Remember that he is an individual. Be careful about proposed “methods” to “fix” things, and think about whether they fit in your relationship.
  4. Err on the side of loving. If in doubt, say yes. You cannot spoil a child with too much closeness and love.
  5. Needs go before wants. The younger the child, the more needs it has, and the fewer wants. Even things that later become wants (cuddles and closeness) are needs in a baby.
    A baby’s needs go before mum’s wants, but a baby’s wants do not necessarily go before mum’s wants.
  6. Don’t confuse your wants with the baby’s. Don’t hurry their development. Few parents err on the side of being too relaxed; far more parents want the baby to sleep on her own, eat on her own, change her own diaper and have a summer job before the baby is a year old.

How do you think about parenting? How do you make your decisions?