The least nice thing about the divorce is how much less money I have.

The largest cost is the house, since I had to buy out Eric’s half of it. Where before we had two salaries and a small mortgage, I now have one salary and a significant mortgage. Less than half the income, more than twice the mortgage. I am not quite “house-rich, cash-poor” but sort of tending in that direction.

I have considered selling the house and downsizing, but for now, as long as at least one of the kids is still living here, I’ve decided that it’s worth keeping, even with the cost. They’ve both lived here their entire lives (those first 18 months in London for Ingrid don’t really count) and I don’t want to yank that away. I am very attached to it myself as well – I’ve poured a lot myself into the design and decoration, indoors as well as outdoors – but I can imagine letting go of it at one point. Not yet.

For a good two decades we used to never have to worry about money. We didn’t have any particularly expensive habits or tastes – no fancy car, no exotic vacations, no interest in luxury brands. Whatever we wanted or needed in our daily lives, we could buy, without thinking about the cost. (Obviously excepting major purchases like a car.) Now I think twice about every expense, and keep postponing various major purchases because I can’t afford them. This is, of course, how the majority of people live. Really these twenty-plus years were the abnormality and I’m now going back to a normal state.

I have always been frugal by nature, and it could take an effort for me to splurge on something that I only wanted but didn’t quite need. Thus it hasn’t been difficult at all to switch to savings mode. Or rather, back to savings mode, I guess. We really didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up. I was working and contributing to rent at home when I was fifteen. As a student obviously money was always tight. It was only when I started working that I suddenly had more.

What’s different now is the time horizon and the scope of responsibility. As a child, I may have helped with money, but the responsibility for making it last was not mine. As a student, I lived in the here and now. I have money for this month? Great, that’s enough. Now I have children whom I am responsible for; a house that will surely need repairs at some point; a retirement to plan for. The challenge lies in finding a balance between today and the future – between saving, and allowing myself to enjoy things now. I think I need to build up more of a savings buffer so that I can be less anxious about it.