A few months ago I wrote about Ingrid’s crying and tantrums, about how strongly they affect me, and how I cannot ignore them. The more I think about it, the more I think that is a good thing, and I shouldn’t try to ignore her crying.
A commenter said she is immune to her child’s wailing if it’s not because he is sick or hurt. But then I thought about what would make me sad, and I can think of many things that would upset me more than plain physical pain. Disappointment, frustration, loneliness, anxiety, loss, fear… I am sure these all are as upsetting for a child as for an adult, if not more. Frustration and disappointment in particular must be a big part of a toddler’s life. They are just starting to understand the world and want to do more with it, but still have very limited power to express their wishes and to affect the world around them.
Sometimes the root cause of the unhappiness is something that can be solved. Lonely and tired and don’t want to sit in the pushchair? OK, we’ve got a baby carrier for that (a whole stash of them in fact). Other times I either cannot or will not solve the problem. Upset because I don’t allow her to stab the kitchen table with her fork? Too bad, I still won’t allow it. Disappointed because the playroom we were going to visit is closed? Well, so am I, but there’s not much I can do about it.
But even if I cannot fix the problem, I don’t want to ignore Ingrid’s crying. She has no other way of expressing these emotions, after all – I can hardly expect her to sigh and say “I’m really disappointed”. She has had so little experience of disappointment in her short life, of course she’s going to be bad at dealing with these feelings! Over time she will learn to recognise these feelings, understand, express and control them. At the moment, however, she needs adult help. So I do it for her: I talk to her, and say the things I think she might want to say if only she knew how.
Of course she would eventually stop crying if I ignored her as well. But I believe it is more productive in the long run if I help her handle the situation.
PS: Things may change when Ingrid grows older and we get to real attention-seeking tantrums, exaggerating the unhappiness because of the reaction it provokes, making noise because it might get you things. But that’s not what’s happening now.
Hej Eric och Helen!
Jag har sett pa Helens blogg att ni avser att flytta till Sverige.
Jag sjalv ar numera pensionar och avser att flytta tillbaka till Halmstad och letar varje dag efter lagenhet dar.
Under den tid Helen skrivit sin blogg har jag varit en flitig gast och rorts och glatts at framsteg och tankar. Det har sarskilt varmt mitt hjarta nar jag sett att Helens (och Erics?) tankar gatt i samma spar som mina egna:
till exempel att inte overdrivet beromma ett barn for att fa fram ett visst betende; med det foljer latt tron att man maste hogprestera for att bli omtyckt, i stallet visa med sitt eget handlande hur man gor i livet, och gora saker med barnet som man sjalv verkligen ar intresserad av. Jag tror fullt och fast att ett genuint intresse hos foraldern, via overlevnadsinstinkten hos barnet, ger bestaende minnen och intresse hos barnet.
Jag minns sjalv nar min pappa visade mig en leksak som bestar av en brada att halla i handen, med sma hons ovanpa, fastade i tradar genom bradan, och nar man drar i tradarna undertill sa ror sig honorna och pickar pa bradan. Forst var det ett under hur min pappa fick honsen att rora sig och sedan visade han mig, och det var ett annu storre under. Jag forstod. Min pappa ar intresserad, med hjarta och hjarna, av mekanik, och han visade ocksa pa den gamla symaskin jag fortfarande har kvar, hur man kan overfora en fram-och-tillbaka rorelse till en cirkular eller excentrisk rorelse, och jag kanner fortfarande det fantastiska i det. Och det har paverkat hela mitt liv, att vilja undersoka orsaker till handelser, inte bara se losryckta delar pa ytan, utan vilja veta vad som drar i tatarna undertill. Det ar da sa mycket lattare att kunna forutse och bestamma sig for ett handlande om man vet det.
Jag har med mina barn alltid handlat sa att jag snabbt vill ta reda pa varfor barnet ar ledset eller argt eller missnojt och efter basta formaga atgarda det; barnet forstar da att man alltid gor sitt basta och blir inte gnalligt �i onodan�, jag lovar denna effekt!, sa nar man faktiskt inte kan gora nagot ar besvaret, sa accepterar barnet det. Och allt kanns sa bra for en sjalv ocksa. Barnet blir INTE bortskamt!
Halsningar fran Britt-Marie
(Kristina Turners mamma)