{"id":20860,"date":"2025-07-10T21:04:01","date_gmt":"2025-07-10T20:04:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/?p=20860"},"modified":"2025-07-10T21:04:01","modified_gmt":"2025-07-10T20:04:01","slug":"dissecting_a_divorce_unhealthy_habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/2025\/07\/10\/dissecting_a_divorce_unhealthy_habits\/","title":{"rendered":"Dissecting a divorce: Unhealthy habits"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why is the content hidden?<\/a><\/p>\n

If you’re comfortable reading about the details of my divorce, click here to read this post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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Now that the divorce is behind me, I’ve noticed that there are habits that I need to unlearn.<\/p>\n

Habit 1: No buts.<\/p>\n

I have become irrationally averse to the word “but”. Ever since Eric said that me saying “yes but” (rather than “yes and”) was a major issue, I fixated on that. I had something concrete, something I could work on! And now I am watching my language all the time, getting anxious whenever I use the word “but”. I rephrase my emails when I see the word. I know it’s ridiculous, but it makes me anxious.<\/p>\n

Habit 2: No opinions.<\/p>\n

I was conditioned to think that if you love someone, then you don’t voice a different opinion unless your opinion is explicitly asked for.<\/p>\n

I stopped voicing opinions. Then I stopped having opinions. One day I realised I didn’t even know if I actually didn’t have an opinion about a question, or had trained myself to suppress it, because it would only lead to hurt.<\/p>\n

Adrian has called me out – “well, what if it was just you, what would you choose?” and I am pushing myself to have opinions.<\/p>\n

Habit 3: Follow.<\/p>\n

If you love someone, you walk half a step behind them. Me walking half a step ahead of him was me “being controlling” and “always needing to set the pace”. I learned to never do that, so now I can’t even walk side-by-side with a friend or colleague; I reflexively hang half a step behind, which makes things awkward.<\/p>\n

Habit 4: Books.<\/p>\n

There are books I have never dared to read because he admires them. I didn’t dare read them, because I knew that I would for sure not be as enamoured as he was. And he was sure to ask for my opinion afterwards, and I can’t lie and and say I loved the book when I didn’t. So it was safest to just not read them.<\/p>\n

Yuval Noah Harari’s Sapiens<\/i> was one example. Once he shared some section of the book because it related to what Ingrid was studying in history at school. I was not entirely impressed. I didn’t even say anything particularly harsh, didn’t claim that the author was wrong or stupid, just “that seems a bit simplistic, I’m not sure I agree all the way.” He immediately started defending the book: “Well, that was just a short section!” and sounded hurt. It was very telling, looking back – a mild critique of a small part of something got interpreted as a total rejection of the whole thing, and since he liked the whole thing, he identified himself with it, so a rejection of the thing was a rejection of him.<\/p>\n

I can now read books that he likes, and maybe manage it without getting anxious about his reaction to my opinions. Although some, such as Sapiens<\/i>, are probably tainted forever.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n