{"id":20814,"date":"2025-07-05T21:16:58","date_gmt":"2025-07-05T20:16:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/?p=20814"},"modified":"2025-07-05T21:16:58","modified_gmt":"2025-07-05T20:16:58","slug":"dissecting_a_divorce_labelling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/2025\/07\/05\/dissecting_a_divorce_labelling\/","title":{"rendered":"Dissecting a divorce: Labelling"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why is the content hidden?<\/a><\/p>\n

If you’re comfortable reading about the details of my divorce, click here to read this post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\n

As I’ve described from several angles now, a core problem in our relationship was him labelling me “negative” in a very general way. That was problematic in and of itself, but it was also a sign of our differing world views, which bothered me more and more as time went by.<\/p>\n

I generally think well of people, especially those whom I love. Eric is much more inclined to, for lack of a better word, think badly of people.<\/p>\n

If someone behaves in a way that I don’t like, I make an effort to assume the best. Their behaviour can usually be explained by a combination of circumstances: the situation, the person’s knowledge and skills, etc. Perhaps they were tired, or had a bad day. Maybe they didn’t realize how they sounded, or (especially in the case of children) maybe they didn’t have the skills yet to behave better or express themselves better.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, when Eric sees behaviour he doesn’t like, he tends to generalize that to “this person is [negative adjective]”. He assigns labels to people, and then lets those colour his future interactions with them.<\/p>\n

I find my philosophy both more useful and more respectful. A label sticks forever, and none of the involved parties can do anything about it other than be annoyed by it. Whereas a situational approach empowers you to prevent the problem from reoccurring, or to alleviate it. I really didn’t like hearing his negative labels about the children, like s\/he “doesn’t care about others”, or how s\/he is “messy”, “lazy”, “distractible”, and much preferred making an effort to understand, prevent, explain, teach.<\/p>\n

I’ve since learned that this is a whole debate in psychology, known as “person vs situation” or “trait vs state”.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n