{"id":20744,"date":"2025-07-01T22:02:26","date_gmt":"2025-07-01T21:02:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/?p=20744"},"modified":"2025-07-02T19:59:38","modified_gmt":"2025-07-02T18:59:38","slug":"dissecting_a_divorce_why_did_our_relationship_end","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.toomik.net\/helen\/blog\/2025\/07\/01\/dissecting_a_divorce_why_did_our_relationship_end\/","title":{"rendered":"Dissecting a divorce: Why did our relationship end?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why is the content hidden?<\/a><\/p>\n

If you’re comfortable reading about the details of my divorce, click here to read this post<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\nWhy did I want a divorce? In short, because I realised that our relationship had become dysfunctional, doing me more bad than good. It was draining rather than energising; pushed me down instead of lifting me up. It made me feel anxious rather than loved.<\/p>\n

I did not want to stay in that kind of situation, and I could not see any scenario in which we would actually repair things and get into a good place. The only thing left, then, was to end it.<\/p>\n

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We had a good relationship for many years – at least as far as I could see at the time. We were in love, we had fun together, we cared about each other, we respected each other. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I wonder if it ever was as good as it seemed. Some of the fracture lines must have been there from the start – it just took time and pressure for them to grow large enough to reach the surface.<\/p>\n

Eric was never a bad husband in absolute terms. He did his share of chores at home, never did any of the things that a typical “bad husband” might do. No yelling, no hitting, no snide remarks or anything.<\/p>\n

But (in recent years) he was not a good husband for me<\/i>. And if you asked him, I am pretty sure he’d say that I was not a good wife for him. We couldn’t give each other what the other needed.<\/p>\n

He didn’t love me, for my definition of love. He didn’t trust me, and by the end I’m not sure if he even liked me at all.<\/p>\n

I, conversely, couldn’t love him either, for his definition of love.<\/p>\n

We did try counselling some years ago, when we realised that our relationship wasn’t entirely healthy. It didn’t work out for us, so we stopped. Went on for a few years, but obviously nothing magically got better by itself. We first discussed divorce early last summer, but decided to give counselling another chance first. I did a lot of thinking ahead of that, to prepare myself and to make sure we would get the most out of it.<\/p>\n

During all of that thinking I realised that there was nothing between us to build a healthy relationship upon. The essentials of trust, respect and openness weren’t there. Given that, I couldn’t see any point in doing more counselling, and said I wanted divorce instead. So that’s where we ended up.<\/p>\n

I will dig into all of that in more detail in coming posts.\n<\/p><\/div>\n