Back to “am and am not”. I’ve already mentioned patience/impatience. Another trait that I keep struggling with (even more than with impatience) is rebellion.

Social rules and conventions. I dislike them. And yet I question myself whenever I deviate from them. (And that makes me dislike the conventions even more, because if they didn’t exist, if everybody wasn’t so same, then I wouldn’t have to think about this.)

When I follow conventions, do I do so because I think they make sense, or because I simply feel that I should?

When I break them, do I do so just because I can, or out of habit, or because it has become “my thing”, or because I really think my way is better?

Perhaps it starts out as one and then becomes the other?

I want to be neither a mindless follower nor a childish rebel. And I especially don’t want to do things a certain way only because I always have done it like that. I want to do what I do for a good reason.

When I buy a dress for Adrian, I ask myself: am I encouraging him to wear a dress because I want to be the kind of mother who lets her son wear dresses, or am I simply letting him make his own choices?

When I buy organic food even though it’s twice the price, when I refuse to wear blue jeans, when I am the only one under 50 to buy a dumbphone: am I being a hipster, or doing it for real?